And so, we’re nearing the end of the month. It felt like everything has just flew by in the blink of an eye.
If you have me on your Facebook, you’d probably have seen that one of the things that has happened to me the past month is a new relationship. Or, if you’re my stalker boyfriend, then you’d be the person in question who’s now (un)fortunately stuck with me, at least for the time being. #pessimist
It’s quite an odd experience. This is the first relationship of mine since uni that’s been announced to the world. And I do mean the world because the Facebook photo he tagged me in was set to public wtf.
In my past couple of relationships, everything was kept pretty much under wraps, so much so that up until the point that they were over, people still didn’t even know they ever begun. Which I guess is partly my fault as well. The most I’ve ever done was to post pseudo postings on social media with no mentions of anyone else. I’ve been so cautious about letting people know because I couldn’t silence the nagging voice in my head that told me it’d be a mess to explain the drama to everyone when the relationships end. Notice I say when, not if. That and also because I think the past couple of relationships were with people who never gave me much sense of security.
This one however, was a little bit different in the sense that the ball was taken out of my park. The moment he posted the photo for the world to see, everything has been taken out of my control. This is a very unsettling experience for someone like me who constantly needs to feel secured and safe. Unsettling it may be, it is also strangely liberating. For once, I don’t have to tread cautiously because I’ve already been tossed into the water. For once, I don’t feel like I’m a dirty little secret to be hidden away from the public eye. For once, I feel like maybe he’s even proud to call me his.
That’s not to say that everything is a bed of roses. Of course not, who am I kidding? It’s never a bed of roses, especially if I’m in the picture. But what’s different now is that the stakes are much higher this time around. At least, that’s how I see it. I guess it may have a tiny bit to do with the fact that everything is out in the open, so I feel the increased pressure to not fuck it all up.
It’s difficult sometimes to silent the voices in my head. Then again, I’ve really got no choice but to give it my best shot. I’ve already agreed to taking the leap with him, the least I could do is to try, right? #fingerscrossed