Work in progress

How shall I put this? Hmm… Well, I need to work on my self-esteem. Or is it my self-belief? Or is it my confidence?

According to Wikipedia,

Self-esteem is a term used in psychology to reflect a person’s overall emotional evaluation of his or her own worth. It is a judgment of oneself as well as an attitude toward the self. Self-esteem encompasses beliefs and emotions such as triumph, despair,pride and shame.

so I guess self-esteem is a suitable term for what I need to work on.

I don’t know when exactly did this inferiority complex began, though I’d wager it was long before I even realise what I am feeling has a term specifically set for it. Was it due to the stereotypical Asian parents expectations towards my studies when I was younger? Or the constant reminder that I need to be better? Perhaps I was born this way.

This crushing, gut-wrenching feeling that is ever present, this snide little voice inside my head that constantly jeers at whatever I do and tells me that I’m not good enough and I never would be. How do I make it go away?

I look at others, content and happy with who they are, no matter the shortcomings. Then I look at myself, seeing only my shortcomings and hating myself for it.

Loving yourself is the first step towards loving others. The problem is, I don’t know how to walk that first step. And I’m so afraid I’ll fall flat on my face and will hate myself even more for it.

13 thoughts on “Work in progress

  1. Eh, I always wonder whether do most people think about all these things. I guess the majority of my posts could be filed under “emo fruit” too. Then again, I never voice my feelings out loud the way I do in my posts … so maybe not everyone is as content as happy as they may seem?

    It sucks to always feel inferior to others … but I’ve come to terms with that by acknowledging the fact that there can only be one winner in a race, and I don’t necessarily have to win the race. I would rather be the person I want to be than be that person that everyone wants to be. What the hell am I rambling about anyway, excuse me :/

    • Eh? So I’m like the weirdo having verbal diarrhea on the internet while everyone just internalises their feelings? :/

      Ah, but at least you’ve come to terms with this feeling of inferiority. I can’t seem to shake it and those “think positively” motivational stuff doesn’t really work for me. It also doesn’t help that I have an annoying competitiveness in me that makes me wanna win the freaking race, almost all the time.

      • Eh I do that too, so at least 2 weirdos …

        Good god I hate those motivational think positive crap. It’s so annoying to see those speakers use their “enthusiasm” and charisma to convince people to throw money at them. Only way to convince me that they are sincere is only if it’s something like a Ted talk or if they don’t mention seminars.

        I guess there’s always the desire to win the race, but I just choose the race I want to race in, if that makes any sense?

        • (So tempted to start my reply with Eh – see previous 3 comments)
          I cannot apply those motivational stuff to my own struggles I guess. It’s nice and all when you listen to them but then when it comes to actually applying them in your daily life, meh.

          I choose my races too (For example, I’ve long since come to terms with the fact that I’ll never be a mathematical genius), it’s just that there are just SO MANY things that I think I should do so much better and when I can’t, it frustrates me to no end.

  2. Well, it’s better to know what you’ll never be a mathematical genius than to be good at ‘mathematics’ your whole life, only to realise mathematics in undergraduate level is an entirely different beast by itself …

    I guess in that sense, I get frustrated with myself too. Maybe I’ve just settled for mediocrity :/ I don’t even know what race should I be in now ._.

    • 😱 I…never knew! You learn new things everyday. *scrambles to change it*

      Yeah I find myself settling for a lot of things. It’s the typical “it’s ok lah” “never mind lah” nonsense. Then I realised that’s not how I want to live my life. I don’t want to settle just because never mind lah, it’s ok lah. So that leads me back to where I started and it’s frustrating. And ditto about the don’t know what race to be in thingy.

      Sometimes there’s just an overwhelming feeling of “what the heck am I doing with my life?!”, you know?

      • I feel you. Sounds like But I’m only 21 … so my problems seem a bit like a primary school kid complaining about homework when I compare my worries to what full-fledged adults have to deal with.

        Well, at least we’re aware, right? I always have a feeling that somehow the universe will reward us in some way … eventually …

        Hope you get past this phase soon! I realise I’ve been complaining to my dad about these feelings recently, haha.

        Also, sceptic still looks weird to me. Looks like septic.

        • Sure sounds like me alright. FOL. I still don’t really see myself as a full-fledged adult when you count the fact that I have much lesser baggage than the ones with a family of their own, cars, houses and all that adult nonsense. So in a way we’re pretty darn familiar despite our different concerns.

          Is that the optimist in you talking? The impatient me is screaming I want my reward and I want it now! xD

          At least you have your dad to vent to. Has he given you any useful advice? All I’ve got is this blog as an outlet. ._. Hopefully we both get out of this rut soon, eh?

          It does, doesn’t it? Especially since I’ve spelt it skeptic all my life.

          • Maybe it’s different when you have all that baggage. You can’t be thinking of yourself too much when you are chained down by those things. I’m guessing a good number of people just stick to the jobs they hate out of security … then again I don’t have the statistics. The optimist in me would say think of this as an opportunity? Heh.

            My dad’s all about 出去闯,不要怕吃亏, but I’m more about wanting to do something I want to do? I acknowledge that there might be obstacles along the way … but I don’t want to do just do shit I hate for no reason, lol. Guess he just wants me to try things out? I think he might have mentioned focusing on what I have on hand first, i.e. actually graduating.

            Everyone here wants to work in a bank and earn big bucks, but I honestly have no clue whatsoever what I would be doing a year later when I graduate. Besides, I don’t think I’m competitive enough to go into that >_>

            Also, why are you up so early?

          • Hmm. I do know a lot of people who are just settling for what they have for the sake of security. There really aren’t many as crazy as I was to quit a well paying job to wallow in unemployment hahaha. Then again, I was desperately unhappy. Maybe it isn’t to that extend for those people and they choose to tough it out instead?

            I’m the same like you. But you gotta face the fact that what you wanna do might not be available for you at the end of the day. It really is very much a case of 天时地利人和. Thus why I find it so bloody difficult to find something I wouldn’t hate to waste the best years of my life on. It’s quite alright, I’ve graduated for years and I still don’t know what I would want to do for the rest of my life. Haha. I once said to my brother this: just because I’m good at something doesn’t mean I like it. Which is very true. Le sigh.

            My scumbag body seems to think it’s appropriate to start this thing of sleeping for a handful of hours and waking up and needing to sleep again a few hours later. Repeat ad nauseam.

  3. Have you found anything so far? I remember watching some TEDx talk from this Malaysian about startups, saying how it’s about doing something people need and what you don’t mind doing and not just something that you really care about when people don’t.

    I wish I had all the time and sufficient finances to just go try everything out that I want to. Would’ve dropped what I’m doing and go try out culinary arts and probably move back to something dull but not what I’m doing right now :/

    • Unfortunately, no. There’s so many more factors to finding something. People’s need, your passion, money, etc. I guess we’ve all gotta make sacrifices one way or another…

      Culinary arts! It’s something I’ve always wanted to do as well. I have this huge interest in food but then again the pragmatic side of me tells me I won’t last a week behind hot stoves for more than 12hours a day. So I’d probably end up like you, going back to something dull that pays the bill. -_-

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