Remember when we were younger we would always wish to grow old faster so that we could do all the grown-up things that we couldn’t do before?
I remember I was once like that too. To me, being little meant having little freedom to do the things I want, to live life the way I want to. I wanted to achieve things that I believed could only be achieved if I was just a little bit older. And I got my wish – I grew up.
What I wasn’t prepared for was the complexity that came along with being a grown up. Life was no longer as clear cut as it used to be. Things are no longer presented in a right or wrong, black or white format. As I grow up, I learn that many things tend to reside in the grey area where nothing is ever really certain.
Just six months ago, if presented with the same scenario, the me back then would have made a different call compared to the me right now. It’s pretty scary how a transition from student to working adult can alter one’s priorities and thoughts that much. I’ve always been a pretty realistic and cynical person, but as I take my first baby steps in this big scary world on my own, I find myself growing even more cynical of human nature and even more realistic as to what life has to offer me. People say to take life with a grain of salt, but now I find myself often taking it with a generous pinch instead, preferring to tread cautiously instead of diving headfirst into things. I am far too logical and cynical to even think of attempting things if I cannot foresee how they are going to end up.
Perhaps you could say I am a little commitment-phobic. I tend not to make any huge permanent decisions that might significantly affect my future if I am not a hundred percent sure that it is the right thing to do. I know the way I live my life right now will inevitably lead to losses of opportunities in my life just because I was far too guarded to take my chances and say be damned to the consequences. But then again, this is how I’ve always been for as long as I could remember. I was never the type to recklessly attempt things just for the sake of trying things out. And so far, I am still living my life pretty well so I don’t see any real immediate need for me to change any time soon.
I will deal with the regret if and when it comes.