Cowardice

I supposed you could say that this post is several months into the making, although it is only now that I sat down and properly write it out in black and white. Or grey and white, judging by the current template of my blog.

Truth is, I have been thinking over and over about this for quite some time now. Sometimes I keep it all in my head, sometimes I say it out loud in the privacy of my own room. This is the first time that I’m typing it out. And doing that makes my heart feel just a little tighter and my windpipe constrict a little more. As if seeing it with my own eyes helps put a seal of finality to it.

I know deep inside that things have passed the point that can be salvageable. I have honestly tried so very hard to salvage what had once made me felt so happy that I thought I might burst at the seams. But the harder I try, the more apparent it is that my efforts are futile at best. It isn’t fair, but it is the truth.

I am a coward. That, I cannot deny. Otherwise, I would have done the right thing months ago. To throw away something like this requires a huge amount of courage which I desperately lack. I just don’t know how. It is not my nature to be cruel. But this very thing requires me to be so.

There is much I want to talk about, but it is impossible without giving everything away. And I don’t want things to be this way. I don’t want my blog to be that channel. This space is my little piece of haven, a place for me to seek release, not a means to do this thing that I fear I will have to confront on my own very soon. The question is, will I ever be ready for it?

This much is clear, what was once, is no more. And that pains me deeply.

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