Conflicted

Time flies! As of tomorrow (actually, more like later today), I’ll be taking my last week of classes as a degree student. After that, I’ll be on my study week break and then onto tackling my final exams.

I don’t really know how I feel about this just yet. There’s this well of emotions in me. Part of me feels glad to be finally leaving this place that I so-disliked for the past couple of years. Part of me feels a bit melancholic to be leaving behind my friends, classmates, course mates and my student life. Another part of me is apprehensive  of the future and what it holds.

I’ve always been not very good at goodbyes and huge life-altering changes. It is not that I cannot adapt to changes, I can, and I do it pretty well too. I simply dislike changes and things that have the potential to turn my life upside down. Fear of change, I think. And this milestone of my life is the one of the biggest ones I’ve had to face yet. This… transition from student to working adult… frankly, it scares me.

All my life I’ve been told to study hard and to make studies my priority. In just a few short weeks, my life priority is going to change, literally. No more ‘focus on your studies’ and don’t think/worry/fret about other things. No more ‘let the adults handle things’ while I do my job of being a child and a student. It’s pretty damn scary to think that I’ll soon be on my own in the working world, earning my keep.

Yes, it’ll be a relieve to leave behind my assignments and exams. But at what cost? Being stuck in a dead end job from 9 to 5 every day? Dreading the arrival of each day because I have to get up and brave the traffic and the crowd to get to work? These are not invalid worries. Of all the jobs I’ve had in the past, I’ve never truly found one which I am passionate about. Thus, the importance of finding the ‘right’ job. But really, what’s the ‘right’ job when I don’t even have any idea what I truly seek?

Yes, conflicted would be a perfect word to describe me now.

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