I find that I am most inspired/creative when I am depressed. Better yet if I were severely depressed. Otherwise, I’ll most likely be stuck in this ambivalent limbo that sucks all the energy and inspirations out of me. And that’s when you see me disappearing off the radar because I couldn’t be arsed to do anything. Le-sigh. I am however, still stuck in this limbo currently lest you think this post meant I’ve found inspirations once again.
So today, in a feeble attempt to resuscitate my blog, I’m going to post an unfinished short story that I accidentally stumbled upon earlier today while trying to find a spare bit of paper to do my notes. This story was written back in 2007 during one of my foundation lectures where I was in one of my manic depressive moods due to a certain unfortunate incident back then. As always, my short stories are part facts, part fiction. I’ll leave it to you guys to figure out which parts were facts and which parts were fiction. Shouldn’t be that hard, eh?
Sitting in a room full of people, she shivered involuntarily. The air-conditioning in on full blast. Yet, it is not so much the cold from the air conditioner that bothered her. Her insides felt as if it was hollow. The feeling made her feel like curling up into a ball and die.
Her friends’ attempts at making her laugh did not went unnoticed but she just couldn’t being herself to put on a mask to face people. It is just too much of an effort for her right now.
She felt worn, tired. Tired of the facade that is her life. It is as though life has no purpose. She sighed and rested her head on the table, her long dark hair obscuring her face. The lightheartedness of the rest of her lecture class made her mood plummet even further. Smiling faces, the lecturer’s booming voice, they all meant nothing to her. Things seemed to be buzzing all around her. She balled her hands into fists. Her fingernails dug into the flesh of her palms. The pain served as a good distraction from her thoughts.
She tried to focus on the pain instead of letting her mind wander to something else that hurt even more. She wasn’t sure if she could handle it if she’d let her mind wander that far. If she were to break down in front of everyone, it would be disastrous. No, she couldn’t let that happen, she decided.
Her palms felt wet and sticky all of a sudden. Crescent half moons were formed where her nails had dug into the soft flesh. Blood was seeping through the wounds. Hastily, she wiped her hands on her jeans, hoping that no one saw the little incident.
When class finally ended, she was the first to bolt out of the door, eager to escape the confines of the lecture hall. Despite the vastness of the hall, she’d felt a sense of claustrophobia loom over her.
Once outside, she realised that it was raining again. It’s been raining nonstop these past few weeks and the gloominess seemed to have caught up with her. The murky grey sky seemed to reflect her mood perfectly.
She took a step into the rain and slowly began her journey home. By the time she reached home half an hour later, she was soaked to the bones. Exhausted, she collapsed onto the couch and fell asleep instantly.
When she woke up, the sky outside was still raining. The house was dark. No one else was home. Her housemates had gone away for a holiday last week. She sat up groggily and groped around for the table lamp, trying to switch on the lights.
And that was as far as I got to. The lecture class I was in finally ended and the story was unceremoniously abandoned. I have long forgotten the ending, if there ever was one, that I had intended for this story. Unless I am struck by sudden inspirations in the future, it is very likely, the end for this unfinished story. But I don’t fret too much about the fate of the story though, by writing this story three years ago, it had given me the release I sought at that time. And that, is what matters to me most.
Update: I think the date the story was written is 24th October 2007. This post seemed to fit quite well with some of the descriptions in the story. Lol, now you know one part that’s facts I guess.