Everyone loves playing this game, including me. In fact, I am so obsessed over this game that I would find just about anyone to put the blame on when things don’t go my way. One of my favourite person to blame is myself.
At times, it is just easier to blame my own incompetence and shortcomings on the things that went awry rather than to try and think of other possible reasons or alternatives of explaining things.
I had a great date today. I went for a gold class movie for the first time in my 19 years of existence. I had lunch at a restaurant that I’ve been meaning to try for quite some time. I caught movies that I wanted to watch since ages ago. I got to finally spend some time with my boyfriend after more than a week apart.
And I ruined the date by crying like a silly girl just before our date came to an end. It would’ve been more perfect if I didn’t act all snappish and mean all day too. Sometimes, I hate the way I behave. I honestly thought that perhaps even I couldn’t handle the way I am at times.
I often wonder, what was it that I did that made me deserving of such a devoted and caring boyfriend who always places me before himself. What did I ever do to get someone to love me so unconditionally, tolerating all my tantrums, jealousy, bitchiness and general awfulness. I often question him, when he professes his love and adoration for me. I am curious as to what he sees in me, when all I see is this ugly girl that is just so selfish and undeserving of his love. I am curious, what is it in me that would make a person so sure that I would be the love of his life.
I blame myself, because I am a very high maintenance girl; because I can be very hard to deal with especially when I’m angry or upset, which is often. I know that it would be difficult for him to have to handle someone as high maintenance as I am, because let’s face it, I am a spendthrift by nature and well, sometimes a leopard really can’t change its spots.
I blame myself, when I get upset over stupid things that weren’t even that much of a big deal to start with anyway. And I end up having a hissy fit because of my own stupidity and stubbornness. Sometimes, it is not even his fault to begin with, and yet, I get angry and refuses to answer his phone calls. Every single time that happens, I feel like shit. And for that, I blame myself because I was the one who started it all.
I blame myself for my insecurities, because I know he did his best to be a good boyfriend and has never done anything that would deserve my suspicions and silly thoughts. I know that he loves me, but because of these insecurities, I would think that the love wouldn’t last. And he would soon find someone else who is much more worthy than me.
There is so much more that I blame myself for. I guess I feel guilty for the way I am. I am not perfect. In fact, I don’t even think I’m that likable at all. Admit it, I don’t think that you’d find someone as mental as me likable either.