Mixed Feelings

Right now, my mind and heart is a big, jumbled up mixture of emotions.

1. Anticipation
I simply can’t wait for tomorrow. Tomorrow will mark the fifth month of us. 🙂 I can hardly wait for the lunch we’ll have, then finish my work and go dating with him. ❤

2. Marvel
I cannot believe that five months would just fly by. I wondered where all the time went. Seemed like just yesterday that we shared our first kiss. A little kiss goodnight by the front door of my house. And the mixed feeling of joy, weirdness and shyness that comes with kissing someone whom I’ve never thought I’d kiss before.

3. Fear
The raw, undiluted feeling of fear that rises from deep within my guts and threaten to jump from my throat as I realise how vulnerable I actually am as a girl. A catcall from a stupid Malay while I was climbing up the staircase with no other person in sight. Another stupid Malay that stared at me for a good 20 minutes while I waited for my mother to pick me up from the LRT station after work. A motorcycle coming up from behind me. A van, pulling up close to where I was walking, seated inside are people whom I can’t determine their race. Might be Malays, or they could be indons. They all look the same. These are the things that made me fear.

4. Annoyance
Annoyed that some people just can’t seem to get it. Annoyed that some people kept putting the blame on others for things that they’ve done themselves. Annoyed that some people just refuse to be a man and accept that it’s their own mistakes and that they’ve brought whatever that’s happening to them upon themselves. Mainly, I’m just annoyed because they are so fucking blinded and thinks that the world owes them.

5. Weariness
The same sort of people mentioned in point four also makes me weary. Once upon a time, I still had that bit of patience for them. Once upon a time, I told myself that they’re going through a hard time and deserves a little break. Once upon a time, I thought that all they need is a little time, and they’ll soon see that all that stubbornness will simply lead to their own destruction. Now, I am just tired. Tired of the excuses that they keep making up for their behaviour. Tired that they can’t stop complaining and thinking that the world owes them. Tired that they just won’t learn to be responsible for the things they’ve done. I’m so tired and weary of them. Now I just wish they’d disappear or shut the fuck up. And preferably, also leave me alone.

4 thoughts on “Mixed Feelings

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