Self Doubt

you know, if you just stop doubting yourself, i think you’ll achieve a lot.

Slightly more than a month ago, someone left this comment in my blog. I pondered about this for quite some time … the truth in it and the absurdity of the thought that throughout the 19 years of my life, I’d never once been totally and completely sure of myself, in every ways.

When I was growing up, even if I’m really good at something, I would never have the air of confidence that some people just seem to be carrying around effortlessly. There wasn’t really anything that I can confidently say I’d be able to nail it, no matter how good I am in it. My best was to say that I’d try. And if it didn’t work out as well as you’ve expected, please don’t blame me.

Now, being as diffident as I am, you’d think that I’m the sort that cowers at the sign of the slightest attention being shown to me. Not quite. I actually like attention. Just like any other normal sane person, I get this bubbly happy giddy feeling inside me whenever someone passes me a compliment. It can be something simple like an email from my manager asking me to keep up my good effort, or a compliment from my seniors at work saying that I’m a cutie.

All is fine and dandy until I get a lil more attention than I expected, or am comfortable with. I don’t mind people flirting a little with me in emails or all that. I mean, I don’t flirt back, but that doesn’t mean I mind the occasional slightly flirtatious email or chat. But when the other person gets a little more intense with the flirting, asking me out for lunch or hinting really heavily, I back off. I back off because I don’t know how to handle the attention that they’re giving me. I back off because I simply do not know how to give an appropriate response to that kind of attention. In short, I do not believe that I’d be able to handle it. Or at least, that’s what my self doubt is telling me.

At times, I really wonder the reasons behind my incredible lack of self confidence. In my eyes, I’d never be as good or as competent or as pretty as others. I can never be the sort of person that would wonder how could I be so perfect. I can never get my mind to think that I’m the best there is and people would actually just like me because of the way I am.

I am almost painfully shy around strangers or new people I meet. Without fail, the other person would comment that I’m real quiet. And when I reveal that I’m studying Public Relations in the small talks we usually have with new acquaintances, their eyes would grow to be the size of dinner plates and say “Public Relations?? But you’re so quiet!!” in an incredulous voice.

I’ve always envied people who seem to be so at ease around new people they’ve just met, carrying on conversations effortlessly while I had stumble or struggle for things to say when I was in their shoes. Needless to say, I bond better with people who usually have a gift for keeping conversations flowing, rather than those who are quieter in nature.

To me, it just seemed so awkward, the silence that ensues whenever you ran out of the usual questions to ask people whom you’ve just met. After the customary introductions, I would be left wondering what else to say. And some people just never have that kind of problem. This is usually the part where my obvious lack of social skills shines. ._.

Still, I am thankful for the fact that I’m not a guy. And the fact that people actually think I’m cute. And therefore, they (usually guys) are nicer to me. This helps a lot because I think if I were to be extremely ugly, coupled with these crippling insecurities of mine, I would probably turn out like one of those weird, quiet, nerdy and freaky looking people that I secretly fear.

To this day, I am still looking for a cure. A way to build up my self confidence. A way to eliminate all these insecurities of mine. I really want to be the kind of girl that is so god damn sure of herself and proud of who she is. But the question is, can I?

11 thoughts on “Self Doubt

  1. “I bond better with people who usually have a gift for keeping conversations flowing, rather than those who are quieter in nature.”

    This applies to me too, in every single way.
    Are we considered an introvert ._.?

    Glad you’re back to write Wall of Texts with properly capitalised words. lol

  2. 不要逼自己变成另一个人。
    人家说你静,不代表是个坏事。
    你的安静才会使你做东西够冷静。不会冲动。
    你都可以应付人,除非那人是木头像我。
    催眠自己虽说有效,但做个不是你自己的性格,受伤害的是你。
    没人会知道的伤害。

  3. Im gonna steal all your calls and forward all Mandarin speakers to you at work tomorrow Cherrie! You can count on it! And I have an interesting story to tell you tomorrow at work! : D

  4. Sam: Again, the old cliche, easier said than done. Cliche, but true. =S

    MX: Why so random? o.o

    Kritz: I’m not that quiet with people I’m close with. o.o Ha ha, yeah, I finally started bothering with the shift key. ._.

    ponnie: Me thinks might be psychology classes last year. Might be.

    You: I’m not trying to force myself to become someone else, I’m trying to overcome these insecurities of mine so that I’d be a stronger and better person. Like, stop thinking that I can’t do this, I can’t handle that. In short, I’m just trying to be more of an optimist I guess.

    Spartan Absolut: Ehhh! You never told me that story. Now only I remember. Ish. I hate you.

  5. u got to get used to it ppl asking o hinting u for a date o lunch.the best and ultimate way to reject was,’my BF is eating lunch with me later’ while u r actually eating lunch with ur female colleague instead.As for being brave to speak up with strangers when u 1st meet?I personally think that,not necessarily you urself nid to be talkative/brave in a way to gain a conversation wif strangers.As long as your heart is willing to accept new ppl then it is fine.You have your own specialty in ur own ways though u r quiet.That is how i noe u rite cherrie?But,if u do 1na overcome this prob,i’ll suggest u to work with me for a nite.but hor,i tink sam will slaughter me by then.LOL

  6. Haha, problem is, I usually have lunch with Jon at work… so… if they see… -___________-

    Hahaha, I was pretty quiet last time too with you guys at first I think. Lol. Work with you for a night? Why would he slaughter you for that? O.O

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