you know, if you just stop doubting yourself, i think you’ll achieve a lot.
Slightly more than a month ago, someone left this comment in my blog. I pondered about this for quite some time … the truth in it and the absurdity of the thought that throughout the 19 years of my life, I’d never once been totally and completely sure of myself, in every ways.
When I was growing up, even if I’m really good at something, I would never have the air of confidence that some people just seem to be carrying around effortlessly. There wasn’t really anything that I can confidently say I’d be able to nail it, no matter how good I am in it. My best was to say that I’d try. And if it didn’t work out as well as you’ve expected, please don’t blame me.
Now, being as diffident as I am, you’d think that I’m the sort that cowers at the sign of the slightest attention being shown to me. Not quite. I actually like attention. Just like any other normal sane person, I get this bubbly happy giddy feeling inside me whenever someone passes me a compliment. It can be something simple like an email from my manager asking me to keep up my good effort, or a compliment from my seniors at work saying that I’m a cutie.
All is fine and dandy until I get a lil more attention than I expected, or am comfortable with. I don’t mind people flirting a little with me in emails or all that. I mean, I don’t flirt back, but that doesn’t mean I mind the occasional slightly flirtatious email or chat. But when the other person gets a little more intense with the flirting, asking me out for lunch or hinting really heavily, I back off. I back off because I don’t know how to handle the attention that they’re giving me. I back off because I simply do not know how to give an appropriate response to that kind of attention. In short, I do not believe that I’d be able to handle it. Or at least, that’s what my self doubt is telling me.
At times, I really wonder the reasons behind my incredible lack of self confidence. In my eyes, I’d never be as good or as competent or as pretty as others. I can never be the sort of person that would wonder how could I be so perfect. I can never get my mind to think that I’m the best there is and people would actually just like me because of the way I am.
I am almost painfully shy around strangers or new people I meet. Without fail, the other person would comment that I’m real quiet. And when I reveal that I’m studying Public Relations in the small talks we usually have with new acquaintances, their eyes would grow to be the size of dinner plates and say “Public Relations?? But you’re so quiet!!” in an incredulous voice.
I’ve always envied people who seem to be so at ease around new people they’ve just met, carrying on conversations effortlessly while I had stumble or struggle for things to say when I was in their shoes. Needless to say, I bond better with people who usually have a gift for keeping conversations flowing, rather than those who are quieter in nature.
To me, it just seemed so awkward, the silence that ensues whenever you ran out of the usual questions to ask people whom you’ve just met. After the customary introductions, I would be left wondering what else to say. And some people just never have that kind of problem. This is usually the part where my obvious lack of social skills shines. ._.
Still, I am thankful for the fact that I’m not a guy. And the fact that people actually think I’m cute. And therefore, they (usually guys) are nicer to me. This helps a lot because I think if I were to be extremely ugly, coupled with these crippling insecurities of mine, I would probably turn out like one of those weird, quiet, nerdy and freaky looking people that I secretly fear.
To this day, I am still looking for a cure. A way to build up my self confidence. A way to eliminate all these insecurities of mine. I really want to be the kind of girl that is so god damn sure of herself and proud of who she is. But the question is, can I?