August. Despite it being the auspicious number, it ain’t a good month for me. Littered with stress and various problems plaguing my life, I’d say it was overall a pretty bad month.
I have a lot of things on my mind recently. Worrying about the past, present and the not-too-far-away future. The worst part is that I don’t actually have a way of solving them. Whenever I think about these problems of mine, I’d just lapse into one of my moody emo mood, which I can’t help.
Come to think of it, it really is frustrating. Partly, they were also my fault. I guess you could say I never learn. More like, I learn but I would most probably repeat my mistakes again if given a second shot at it. Sometimes I annoy myself so much with my stupid mistakes I feel like killing myself just to stop repeating what shouldn’t be repeated.
I think that something is terribly wrong with me again. That oh-so familiar feeling is back, after being absent for quite some time. This is a feeling that I don’t like, but at the same time, can’t stop myself from feeling. I think I actually take comfort in feeling that way, because it is so very familiar to me. I’ve grown up with this feeling. This inexplicable feeling that is so addictive, yet destructive. Everytime I felt it, it is familiar in a way that makes it almost comforting, but also painful. My heart feels like it’s being squished by some unseen forces, and it actually hurts. Literally. I can feel the pain this feeling inflicts upon me. And I guess you can say that it is a bad sign since this feeling’s been cropping up more frequently these days.
On another note, I’m feeling stressed about moving. I want to move, ’cause I don’t wanna have to share my room. Problems keep arising, and I’m so tired and weary at the end of the day that I just wanna shut it all out and go far far away.
I don’t like being like this. All lost and confused. The anger, hurt and everything else jumbled together threatens to overwhelm the world I once knew.
After all, I’m still just a girl. I’m tired of being so tired all the time.