This coming Friday would have been our 7th month anniversary. Notice the usage of ‘would have been’? Because it really would have been, if he hadn’t mention breaking up today. According to him, it’s my attitude he dislikes. Though I have been having a nagging suspicion of a third party for quite some time already.
Initially, I was heart broken. I never thought he would mention that. I asked what I did wrong, I asked what I could do to make him change his mind… the usual, you know. Then after talking through msn for quite long, we came to a compromise. We would try to give it one more shot, if I were to change my attitude. Then we’ll see if he gets the feeling back. The feeling of loving me.
I really wanted to do that. Because I did mention breaking up a few times in the past, and he did ask for second chances to change. But what was different this time around was, when I asked for a breakup, I still had room for negotiation, my heart still has a place for him. Or so I thought. But when he asked for the break up this time, he only wanted to try to work things out because I said I would change, not because he still has feelings for me.
I told my mom. Almost everything. She consoled me, and dissected the facts for me to see. Suddenly, I felt that I saw things in a different light. I don’t know what is it. Maybe I’m in shock or denial or another one of my apathetic state. But I felt much calmer. And surprisingly, the things my mom said to me did sound pretty true.
Yes, it would be a waste. I’d imagine it would take awhile for me to get use to not having someone around me. It would probably be quite weird as well.
I think I have decided. I decided to forego the chance. Because, I think no matter how much I change, his heart is no longer with mine, so there wouldn’t be any use to change. Even if I changed into a girl that follows his every wish, I don’t think he’d be back in love with me. Because his heart is already somewhere else unless I’m very much mistaken.
Jeremy, I thank you for the memories. It’s okay, I don’t think I would want to try and work things out any more. It’s better to let go and let bygones be bygones. It’s better not to force yourself. Come to think of it, if you really DID love me, you wouldn’t have gone and flirted around would you? If I really felt that you really DID love me, I wouldn’t feel so insecure all the time would I? No? I thought so.
A pity really, I had hoped it would last when we first started. But it was so short. 6 months. A few more days and it would’ve been 7. I’m too lazy to count 6 months and how many days. So 6 months plus will suffice. The things I have given to you, I can never take back. But I will keep them as memories. Guess we were never really meant to be then.
p.s. I’m not asking for sympathy here. I’m okay. Really. Surprisingly. Let’s just see how things go tomorrow when we’re back in Kampar then.
p.p.s. Gosh, this post is… so…private yet public. Sigh. I hope he won’t read this. I’d imagine he wouldn’t be too happy with it.