I wish

The gang’s going out for dinner as I type. I’m not joining them tonight. I just came out of the shower. I dislike rushing myself to get ready to go out. And I’m not that hungry anyway. I have other things on my mind.

There’s this feeling inside of me that I can’t quite put into words. It’s like having a perpetual weight inside of me. Weighing me down. Preventing me from getting away. A friend commented that it seems hard to make me truly excited about something. Which I think is quite true, to her credit. What she doesn’t know about is the weight inside. That’s the reason for my lack of enthusiasm. That’s the reason I  can’t be truly happy.

So, what is this weight then you ask? Like I said, it’s hard to explain. It would be difficult even for me to pinpoint it’s source. Though I have a vague idea of the things that might trigger this feeling. Silly things, they are. A word. A comment. A gesture. Anything. Then the weight comes crashing down.

At times, I have my own doubts. Doubts about myself, and a lot other things. I have my insecurities. I have my very own green-eyed monster inside that pounces at the slight provocation. I have this, I have that. I don’t think there is a way of getting rid of it all. And more than once, I caught myself hoping that things or people would just go the way I want them to. Even if I know that that’s not quite possible. Still, I hope for it.

I do not know what I can do to make myself feel better. I do not know how to make myself happy. Oh wait, I think I do. If I pretend to be completely oblivious to my insecurities, if I pretend to be oblivious to the many things that might trigger the feeling, I think I would be quite happy. Unfortunately, I can’t. I simply cannot fool myself into thinking that. Therefore, I am still where I am when I first started out.

Sometimes, I wish that someone would be able to read my mind. To get the things that I can’t bring myself to say out loud ’cause when I do, it sounds like a silly, petty, whiny worry that doesn’t make much sense. I wish that someone would be able to read and understand the overwhelming emotion inside of me that causes me to be like this. And not to dismiss it like a silly little thing.

And I think I would have to keep on wishing. Because reality is never really quite the same as fiction.

5 thoughts on “I wish

  1. Wow. I’m not agreeing for the sake of agreeing, but I do have that feeling you mention sometimes. I’m not really sure of the way you feel it, but for me, it’s like looking at those crazy people jumping around and getting all hyped up, but I’ll be there thinking what’s the point of acting like that.

    It seems the same as my thoughts, but I still can’t manage to put it into words. That feeling like … is there a need to be that way?

  2. i think everyone had experienced that before?

    for me, sometimes its like everyone around me is feeling excited about something but to me its not a big deal at all… so yeah…

    ps: somehow i cant really think of a proper reply =P maybe its cus my thinking isnt that mature yet lol… ;P

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