I should be studying

… instead of bumming around in front of the computer. But I can’t help it sigh. When I look at my IT notes my eyes just seem to automatically glaze over. T_T Worse thing is, I don’t have the exam scope. All I know is that, out of the 14 chapters we have studied this semester, 2 ain’t coming out. No clues about which topic would possibly be asked in the essay section. No nothing. Big help, that is. How am I supposed to study 12 chapters when my exam is like, less than 12 hours away?

I just took a look at the past year paper, they seem, hard. The questions are like, you know you studied them before, but you just can’t seem to pinpoint the exact thing they want. Double sigh. I don’t wanna do badly in my first semester. That was what happened last year. I did horribly in my first semester, which resulted in my overall CGPA being dragged down.

I don’t want history to repeat itself! Sighhhhhh. My depression is coming back to haunt me this few days. So many things are constantly swarming in my mind. A lot of them are making me even more of a pessimist than usual. Worries, doubts, frustrations, mood swings, anger, tears, edginess… so many so many. I can hardly breathe. It’s a wonder I could still force myself to function from day to day. Even appearing cheery most of the time in front of people’s eyes. But in the darkness of the night, while I’m huddled under my blanket, the feeling in my heart would overwhelm me and tears would slide down my cheeks onto my pillow in silence. I don’t like it one bit.

I wish I could stop worrying. I wish that my life would be all fine and dandy. I wish I could be less of a pessimist. I wish I could be less of a worrier. I wish, I wish, I wish. I think I started wishing for happiness when I was 16, or maybe 17. No matter what the occasion, be it birthday, shooting stars, christmas, my wish would be the same. I only wanted to be happy, no matter how it was to be done, no matter what I had to do, no matter what I had to give up, nothing matters. As long as I can be happy forever. Selfish, but it was what made me happy. So that was all that mattered. I still wish for happiness now. Though I’m doubtful that it will ever come true.

I have very few happy moments. But if you asked me about my sad ones, I could tell you more than just a few. People say I should count my blessings, instead of focusing on the negative parts. I know I probably should do what they say. But things are often easier said than done. And so I continue to dwell on the sad parts of my life. I would change, if I could. But I don’t think I can.

It’s funny. How my mind works. A simple word, a simple gesture done unintentionally, things that others would just brush it off, they have the power to sway my emotions. I guess it could be called paranoia. I can’t trust. I’m learning. But I still can’t. I blame past experiences for making me feel this way. Things that happened so long ago still has the power to affect me. More than they should. Way more. If only there was an eraser that could erase the past. Erase the unhappy parts of your past, leaving you with only the good ones. An eraser, that enables one to truly start over one’s life. Without the burden of the past on one’s shoulders. Idealistic. Silly. Wishful thinking.

There’s this song. It tells of the love between a guy and a girl. The guy says he can’t give the girl what she wants. The things he can give though, are not the things wanted by the girl. They’re incompatible, yet, they refuse to admit defeat by breaking up. When they hug, it’s just heartbreaking, instead of heartwarming. Sigh, it’s true when people say when you’re emo, the emo songs just seem to be describing your situation perfectly. I really, really wonder how compatible we are. Or perhaps it’s the paranoid me that’s overanalysing things again. But if it’s really just me being paranoid, why do others too, tell me that we aren’t compatible?

And all that, ladies and gentlemen, is just the tip of the iceberg.

3 thoughts on “I should be studying

  1. I’m the same as you >.>
    But of course,
    Mine is just secondary,
    Not that big like yours.

    I guess I’ll need something very big to make me ‘insaf’ =/
    Hope something will strike you before it’s too late 😀
    Just study as much as you can la,
    Since can’t go back in time.

    Good luck in your exams 😀

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