confusion. which way is
a sea of melancholy.
It’s good isn’t it? To have someone to depend on. A shoulder to lean on, a shoulder to cry on. No matter how bad things get, you can still count on having someone to depend on at the end of the day, someone to share the burden with.
But in a society where leeches are aplenty and people are expecting to be spoon-fed left, right and centre, I find independence to be a much better trait. To know that you’d always have your own back. To know that you can and will survive in this big scary world even if no one else is there for you to depend on.
It sounds lonely, and perhaps it is. But look at it from a different angle and you will see it’s not all bad on this side of the moon. You won’t have to feel indebted to anyone. You won’t have to feel obliged to make adjustments to suit someone else. You won’t have to be affected by someone else’s whims and fancies. There’s just… so much more freedom.
Yes, independence brings freedom. Liberation. Something that dependence cannot offer. Because when you depend on someone or something, you lose your independence.
Independence is something I treasure. Which is why I need to learn to become stronger and more independent. What I also need to learn, is to depend on others a bit more. After all, the strongest man in the world gets tired too, right?
Like a shadow
Slipping out of my grasp
A game of hide and seek
I chase after you
Like a wound, the longer you leave it, the worse it festers.
Soon, it will turn toxic.
My patience is running out. Cauterise the wound before I chop off the entire limb.
I’m done waiting.
When we were young, my mum and I would play Christmas songs all day in the days leading up to Christmas (and often sing along at the top of our lungs, much to the chagrin of my dad and brother). And we’d take out our tree from the storage room and dust off all the ornaments before taking a few hours just enjoying the process of doing up the Christmas tree.
Oh, the joy of picking out which ornaments to use, putting up fairy lights, and of course, choosing the perfect tree topper as the finishing touch (I’d always needed help putting that on). There’s something indescribably satisfying and fulfilling about it. This was before the age of social media, so we never took photos of the decorated tree and posted them for the world to see. In a way, it made the entire experience more personal and gratifying, knowing that you did it not for some random likes on the Internet, but for the simple joy of having a beautiful Christmas tree to celebrate this wonderfully magical season.
It didn’t matter that our tree had a broken leg and had to be precariously balanced by random objects. It didn’t matter that it was missing a few branches, what with it being a hand me down from my aunt. What mattered was that we spent time and effort together to decorate it and make it uniquely ours. A tree to call our own.
One year, the tree finally gave way, with its other leg breaking off as well. And with a single leg, its days of perching upright ever so precariously were over. And along with it, our little yearly routine of decorating our own tree.
We never did get around to getting another tree. And I realised just how much I yearn for the old days once more.
1. A 10-minute journey took double the time.
2. 20 minutes of fruitless hunting for a parking spot in the mall.
3. Another 10-minute ordeal trying to leave the parking lot after giving up on aforementioned hunting.
4. Electricity supply cuts off while I’m sitting in the dentist chair.
5. Burnt smell in the air as the entire clinic scrambles to find source of smell and cause of electricity cutting off.
6. Dentist bill came up to over RM200.
7. (Very) late solo lunch turned out to be utterly disappointing.
8. Greeted by a summon after forgetting to pay for parking.
9. Braved the traffic once more on the journey home.
10. My back still fucking hurts after spending more than RM200 a few days prior and finishing my entire course of medicine.
11. My watermelon and mango juice tasted entirely of watermelon. And I don’t like watermelon. There just wasn’t any other option.
Can today be over already?