The thing is, it’s more than just being sad. It’s more than just being emotional. A weirdly intriguing thing, it is. Sometimes it manifests as hollowness. Sometimes it manifests as fatigue. Anger. Irritability. Apathy. Its multifaceted nature makes it incredibly hard to identify, even though you might think you’re already familiar with it.
Some days, I can catch it. Some days, I do something to snap myself out of it. But some days, I fail. Some days, it’s until too late that I’ve finally realised what’s happening. And those are my bad days. This, is my bad day.
But bad day or not, life goes on. The world doesn’t stop spinning, things don’t stop happening. It can get so incredibly difficult to do anything when all I want is for the world to cease to exist, even just for a little while. Just enough for the inner chaos within me to quiet down a smidgen. Just enough for me to survive this wave.
Why? Why does it happen? Is there a trigger? A source? Not always. No. I’ve come to learn that there isn’t always a reason why things happen. They just do. There isn’t always a reason why it comes. Sometimes, it just does.
Tough? Yes. I’ll admit it’s incredibly tough. It’s tough because I like to be in control. You can consider me a little bit of a control freak. I don’t like uncertainties. I don’t like ambiguities. And it is exactly that – uncertain and ambiguous in its nature. There is no one way to stop it from happening ever again. There is no cure-all. All I can do is brace myself for the storm to be over.
And honestly, I am tired. I’m tired of constantly fighting this battle that I seemingly cannot win. I’m tired of having more bad days than good days. I’m so, very tired.
Some days it feels like I’m taking one step forward but two steps back.
All I can do is to soldier on.
The day has finally arrived. Looking back, it was just a matter of time, wasn’t it?
When we burned, it was really brighter than the sun. When we sunk, it was also deeper than the pits of hell.
This, is an unfamiliar feeling. Perhaps I’ve forgotten. As I always do.
Maybe soon I can forget it again.
It’s been a hell of a ride. Truly.
Now it’s time to get off.
Something as special as this… shouldn’t be causing so much resentment.
Efforts to resolve this have all been in vain.
The mind has to wander to be distracted. Otherwise the ugliness surfaces.
But is it really a solution if you turn your face away while it stews and simmers underneath?
I don’t know.
The mind strays.
Maybe it’s not so special after all.
I can be mean. I can be hurtful. I can be sarcastic. I can be a total bitch from hell.
I can and I will. You know why? Cause you brought hell upon yourself, my dear.
I may not be the fittest, strongest, tallest, or fastest in any given day. But sometimes, I’m surprised by how much I can achieve through sheer grit and willpower.
Today, I’ve impressed myself. I made it through an obstacle course that has defeated even grown men. No matter how tough it got, I told myself that I had to do it. Just another step, just another breath. If people can do it, then there’s all the more reason that I can too. A single admission of defeat is all that’s needed to wipe out all your previous progress. And my unwillingness to wipe them out worked to propel me towards the finishing line.
And so, just like that, a pint-sized me managed to come out of the whole thing stronger and better, both physically and mentally.
I’ll wear these battle scars with pride.
Bright burning flames. Blue at the core.
Bright glistening ice. Blue at the core.
Where I’m at? It’s so cold it burns.